be not afraid to feel
It it was personal weight-lifting I was looking for this new year, the past 2 weeks have provided a year's worth.
Allow me first to talk about this past conference in general. The first conference of one's career is, more often than not, quite moving. The scope of, understanding of, and alignment to the organization generally blow the hell up. You make a lot of friends, you learn a good deal. After that, somewhere in the 2nd to 4th conference, you go from giddy with awe at what we're doing, to truly in control. You control the destiny now. Don't let it out of your hands.
I've experienced that. I thought that ended the conference evolution of my mind. I was wrong.
This conference was not focused on the organization and how I relate to it, but on my life and how I relate to it. Given the circumstances I should have predicted that. I've never gone through as intense an internal experience as the four or five days when I was really blowing up inside. First and last thoughts of the day were on the task at hand. So was everything inbetween.
Many people express a desire to join the Madison LC. I usually chuckle and say "yeah... things are pretty cool here. We have a good group." I know that to be true. I encourage 'us' to maintain that.
This too, was different.
This time, I felt it. Like, Really Felt. Vivid memories provide clear examples of when it was happening. I'm no longer talking a little bullshit when I agree with aspirations to transfer to our homestead. Yea, you sure do want to transfer here and experience what 'we' 'are.' The support my partners in crime built put my head above the hazy clouds of my mind.
About 17 hours before my speech I began rewriting it. Another thing I should have foreseen. I usually don't write speeches, why did I do it more than a day before? Can't fool around I may have thought. Cat called shortly before and reminded me this was all fun and games. Brought me back to reality, the overall picture. It went OK, not my best, but it was from the heart. And that's what I wanted. Question and Answer was not the overall rigor I expected. I failed to gauge the audience to a detail I like, but later research showed solid resonance.
I have an interview sometime in the next 3 weeks. This is intense, but a few rays have shone through the clouds, reminding me that life is fun, that it was ok to laugh as I walked to the room for my speech. I'd have it no other way. Let this be like sledding down a hill, not climbing a mountain.